holiday? what holiday?

i hate the holidays. it just agravates the feeling that i will always be alone during these time. well, im not alone the entire time. im with my family and friends, they are the ones who fill in the space thats left open for the person who will be with me forever no matter what.

though you never celebrate the Holidays, i still consider those dates as special. its been more than 10 years since i last celebrated it with someone special as well.

i never felt like the other woman but last weekend was too much. you dont have to tell me that youre with your girlfriend. i knew she will be with you. no matter what your say, you cant remove the fact that in her head those holidays are still special.she have been doing it for the past 25+ years of her life.

one message and that was it. i never heard again from you until tonight when i called to wake you up. like the holiday, thats how "special" i was to you. i was just another day. i told myself that i have to love myself more this time. i need to have someone who will always make me feel special all the time. im getting tired of this meantime girl business. i have to eliminate whatever is stopping me to meet that person who will truly love me.

its been months since i last cried, and now im crying again. i already look my worse. i dont need this now. i told you that ill be dropping by your house next weekend and give something to your mom. but now i changed my mind. why should i excert effort for someone who just treat me like shit? i just give whatever im making for someone who really deserves it. i only make that for special friends. they are special because they also treat me like one. id like to think of it as a good karma for them.

i hope i can get through this. it can be tiring but im also hard-headed. i need a much stronger force to pull me out of this hole ive dug myself into.

later

it was my brother's birthday celebration last weekend and he rented a videoke machine to make the clebration more fun. towards the end of the evening, i sang the song later by fra lippo lippi. all that were left to listen to me sing are my guy friends from our neighborhood...and i had to stop myself from crying while singing the song. it really hit a cord in me. i dont want them to see me cry because i will never hear the end of it. they will be bashing me forever or worse, they will look forward to hunt you down because of the pain youve given me. i love those guys because they are very protective of me. they are like elder brothers that i wish i never have...which in reality i dont have.

before the weekend, my closest friend made me add your gf in fb to the account of another friend though they have never met. i, on the other hand, have been with you guys but i do not dare add her. then, the following day she accepted the invite which surprised me. and due to the insistence of my crazy friend, i got curious and checked out the pictures. of course, i was not surprised that you guys have a bunch of those uploaded. while looking at it, i felt like i was being stabbed on the neck. it was very painful for me to see. after a very long time, i started crying again while i was at work. i hate it. my close friends suggest that i just cry until i cant cry anymore. but i dont want that. i want my suffering to end.

i was seriously thinking of taking sleeping pills and wake up after 3 days. a friend said that there is no pill that strong. i know that. but if i take half of the bottle, im sure i'll wake up after a few days. im just worried that i might wake up in the hospital. now thats a dream come true. ive always wondered what it felt like to be confined in the hospital. and im curious as to who would visit me. i just stopped myself from taking those pills because my friends are looking forward to our vacation this week. i dont want to ruin their plans by doing something stupid like try to kill myself. i'll just do it at the right time. when theres no upcoming holiday. when there is a very lean loading at work. when there is no scheduled vacation.

i just remembered that his hearing for the small claims case will also be this week. i will pray the novena for that. i really want him to win his case. but i know after that, i will be completely forgotten...as if now im not. they will start the preparation for their wedding. get married. and once they have saved enough, migrate abroad like they have planned.

i have to move on. i have to help myself. i need to love myself more...

what is love

this was your answer to that question: "Love? Men give love to have sex and women give sex to have love (at least this is true nowadays...)"

i think you should thank me for that. i feel like you got the inspiration from me. to tell you the truth, i am not after love when i have s*x. i just have to satisfy my need. like if im craving for something, i wont stop until i got a fill of it.

i accidentally saw your post because my brothers friend is also a member of the group youve posted a reply for the so-called profile. i was a bit surprised when i first read it. because i think you got me wrong. i know that youre in a relationship so there is no chance we will be an item.

at the beginning of the thing we had, i always tried to make it clear that we should not invest any kind of emotion. i dont want either of us getting hurt...especially me. you have a fall back. i dont. you probably just wanted to hook up with me because your gf is not in the country. its been months since you last had sex if im not mistaken. as for me, i had a dry spell and i dont want a year to pass without getting any.

based on the date of your post, it was a day after we went on vacation with your gf and two of your friends. i was the odd person out. i wanted to back out of that trip but you kept insisting that i join...even if i was running on a deadline at work. anyway, you wanted to meet up with me but you know how important that day was for me to be with my family. then your gf sent you a message telling you to pick her up. i was casual about it.

but a few months passed and things became different between us. i can no longer separate fantasy and reality. i have you to blame for this. youve messed up my plan. you said words that my brain doesnt believe but my heart does. ive always listened to my brain but this time, my heart was shouting so loud it masked whatever my brain was whispering.

i was wondering what it felt like to fight for the person you love. but i know what will happen. like in the UFC, i will be badly brusied and lucky if i dont have blood running down my nose or none of my teeth fall out. my friend asked my what i wanted to do. i told her "nothing. i'll just wallow in the pain i am in now". im afraid to try to win you. im afraid of what youre going to tell me. im afraid that it might drive me to commit suicide. i told you ive been badly burned in the past and i dont want to be in that situation again.

it just sucks knowing that nobody would sacrifice their life for me other than my family. if both my legs had to be amputated, there is no one willing to sacrifice their time to take care of me. if ever i get in some kind of trouble, there will be no one to take me to the hospital or be with me at a police precint.

if i were to answer the same question i would only say one word: unconditional.

walked away

if we ever got to talk again, i'll point out that im not the one who walked away first. you did...

you always tell me that no matter what happens, you will never leave me. you begged me to do the same but i know i'll be labeled as an idiot if i did. you dont see it that way though im not sure how youll be able to not leave me. i know this. i have been to this. its not like i have not been in this kind of situation. this set up is the story of my life.

five days and counting since the last time i talked to you. i was calling you before and you never picked up. you did not even bother to send an sms. not even once. not even a pm. nothing. well, i hope you finally took the straight path. you no longer want to stray to the plans that you have laid out before i came into your life. i cant wait to hear about you reaching the end of the road and the start of a new path to take. im very sure you will be happy once youre there.

i think i know why we managed to not talk to each other anymore. its the indifference we now have inside. my crying phase is slowly dying down. waterworks come less frequently now and im happy for this. it can be tiring at times. my officemates noticed that i became more cranky, short-fused and they were worried. the main reason is that i have a gap with a colleague and they feel that its affecting me. they even offered to help. but i told them that its just a lot went on the past weeks. they should not worry about me and i'll soon be back to my normal self.

but the triggering point of you not talking to me was because you think i had s*x with a college classmate last weekend. the same one that i really slept with last summer. you dont want me to go out with other people while you have a fiancee and will soon marry. you want me to be monogamous to you while you can have your fun whenever you want with your future wife. i told you i dont want to be left at the corner, alone.

now that you have stopped communicating with me, and i know that you dont want to talk to me ever, i feel like im now at peace. i dont like pushing myself to people who dont want me. now its clear. i dont need my friends to constantly nag me about still talking to you. i made myself stop on my own which i think is really rewarding. im happy with myself and i pray the same for you. continue on your path to happiness.

last night

this was supposed to be an sms created out of frustration or disappointment that turned into a lenghty message that i think will qualify as an essay...

i just hoped you have treated me like i am nothing to you. it would have made my life a lot easier. others have done that to me and i dont mind whatever happens after.

all i want is for me to lie down every night and immediately fall asleep. instead, i spend every night up until 2am thinking about someone who never really cared for me. And i always pray that i dont cry even for just one night because in the morning, my eyes really hurt and i have a hard time reading things at work.

as much as possible, i dont want any idle time. but so far, i have lots of that. one of the reason i like staying late at the office. eventually, i still need to go home and be reminded that im in horrible pain...like a knife was stuck at my back.

i am happy to have very supportive friends. like our crazy friend, i like his idea of going to a far off island when the tides are really bad. whatever happens on that trip, im ready to face it.

but before i vanish, there are things that i hope you can answer: do you even see yourself waking up next to me everyday? who would you rather wake up next to? is a compromise out of the question?

im really tired...

all i want in life

heard this song last night and it reminded me of the rut that im in now...

Gusto Ko Lamang Sa Buhay - ITCHYWORMS

Gusto ko lamang sa buhay ay…
Gusto ko lamang sa buhay ay murang gasolina
Gusto ko lamang sa buhay yung magswimming sa beach ng matagal na matagal
Gusto ko lamang sa buhay ay kapayapaan
Gusto ko lamang sa buhay ay ang banal na tinapay
Gusto ko lamang sa buhay ay magtravel at bumili ng souvenirs
Gusto ko lamang sa buhay ay makalasap ng kapayapaan
Gusto ko lamang sa buhay ay… konting… at lalong lalo na

Ayokong maghintay pa sa imposible
Ayoko ng mga romatikong sine
Ayoko nang umasa pa sa walang silbi

Ayokong tumawid pag pinagbabawal
Ayoko ng kapeng maraming asukal
Ayokong bumili ng underwear na mahal

[chorus]
Gusto ko lamang sa buhay ay yakapin mo ako
Gusto ko lamang sa buhay ay yakapin mo ako
Hindi naman ako milyonaryo
Basta’t araw-araw yakap mo ko
Feeling ko ang yaman yaman ko
Feeling ko ang yaman yaman ko

Ok lang kung ‘di maging presidente
Ok lang kung mawalan ng kuryente
Ok lang kung ang bumbilya’y walang sindi

Ok lang kung ketchup lamang ang ulam
Ang gulay ay hindi naman kailangan
Basta’t sa sandwich mo ako ang iyong palaman

[repeat chorus]

[bridge]
Ang dami ko pang sinabi
Tungkol sa aking sarili
Lahat ng yun ‘di na bale
Ikaw lang ang importante

Yakapin mo ako
Lunurin sa iyo
Salubungin ng ‘yong mga bisig
Dama ko ang ‘yong pag-ibig

Yakapin mo ako
Gusto ko lamang sa buhay ay yakapin mo ako

[repeat chorus]

Yakapin mo ako
Feeling ko ang yaman yaman ko
Yakapin mo ako
Feeling ko ang yaman yaman ko
Yakapin mo ako
Feeling ko ang yaman yaman ko

sitting alone...

...crying.

thats what i have been doing for the past week. i havent talked to him since last week until i had the courage to call him this morning but he didnt pick up. he sent an sms though and i have been crying since. i went to hear Mass. even if i sang along with the choir, it didnt stop me from crying. i kept thinking about him and my future without him. if only God can just take away my life just like that, i will gladly give it back. i just want Him to end my suffering. havent i suffered enough?

i was watching the amazing race last night and i thought that it was something we can do. and im sure we are going to be a very entertaining team. always bickering but im sure we are going to be one of the strongest competitors. too bad this is just going to be a thought. both of us have work that im sure will not allow us to go on hiatus for a month. your wife may not allow you to do this if you are not going to do the race with her. probably i'll just have my own amazing race. a race on how im going to cope with life without you...