holiday? what holiday?

i hate the holidays. it just agravates the feeling that i will always be alone during these time. well, im not alone the entire time. im with my family and friends, they are the ones who fill in the space thats left open for the person who will be with me forever no matter what.

though you never celebrate the Holidays, i still consider those dates as special. its been more than 10 years since i last celebrated it with someone special as well.

i never felt like the other woman but last weekend was too much. you dont have to tell me that youre with your girlfriend. i knew she will be with you. no matter what your say, you cant remove the fact that in her head those holidays are still special.she have been doing it for the past 25+ years of her life.

one message and that was it. i never heard again from you until tonight when i called to wake you up. like the holiday, thats how "special" i was to you. i was just another day. i told myself that i have to love myself more this time. i need to have someone who will always make me feel special all the time. im getting tired of this meantime girl business. i have to eliminate whatever is stopping me to meet that person who will truly love me.

its been months since i last cried, and now im crying again. i already look my worse. i dont need this now. i told you that ill be dropping by your house next weekend and give something to your mom. but now i changed my mind. why should i excert effort for someone who just treat me like shit? i just give whatever im making for someone who really deserves it. i only make that for special friends. they are special because they also treat me like one. id like to think of it as a good karma for them.

i hope i can get through this. it can be tiring but im also hard-headed. i need a much stronger force to pull me out of this hole ive dug myself into.