later

it was my brother's birthday celebration last weekend and he rented a videoke machine to make the clebration more fun. towards the end of the evening, i sang the song later by fra lippo lippi. all that were left to listen to me sing are my guy friends from our neighborhood...and i had to stop myself from crying while singing the song. it really hit a cord in me. i dont want them to see me cry because i will never hear the end of it. they will be bashing me forever or worse, they will look forward to hunt you down because of the pain youve given me. i love those guys because they are very protective of me. they are like elder brothers that i wish i never have...which in reality i dont have.

before the weekend, my closest friend made me add your gf in fb to the account of another friend though they have never met. i, on the other hand, have been with you guys but i do not dare add her. then, the following day she accepted the invite which surprised me. and due to the insistence of my crazy friend, i got curious and checked out the pictures. of course, i was not surprised that you guys have a bunch of those uploaded. while looking at it, i felt like i was being stabbed on the neck. it was very painful for me to see. after a very long time, i started crying again while i was at work. i hate it. my close friends suggest that i just cry until i cant cry anymore. but i dont want that. i want my suffering to end.

i was seriously thinking of taking sleeping pills and wake up after 3 days. a friend said that there is no pill that strong. i know that. but if i take half of the bottle, im sure i'll wake up after a few days. im just worried that i might wake up in the hospital. now thats a dream come true. ive always wondered what it felt like to be confined in the hospital. and im curious as to who would visit me. i just stopped myself from taking those pills because my friends are looking forward to our vacation this week. i dont want to ruin their plans by doing something stupid like try to kill myself. i'll just do it at the right time. when theres no upcoming holiday. when there is a very lean loading at work. when there is no scheduled vacation.

i just remembered that his hearing for the small claims case will also be this week. i will pray the novena for that. i really want him to win his case. but i know after that, i will be completely forgotten...as if now im not. they will start the preparation for their wedding. get married. and once they have saved enough, migrate abroad like they have planned.

i have to move on. i have to help myself. i need to love myself more...